Snuffles In Screwedsville
by Els-chan
Summary: MWPP-era: It's Remus's birthday, and Sirius (due to an unfortunate accident) no longer has a present! Can he enlist the help of one Lily Evans, despite the fact that she can't stand him, in order to woo the werewolf he so adores?


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Snuffles In Screwedsville

By: Els-chan

A/N: Shameless plug #1: This story isn't part of 'Dogstar: The Sirius Black Fuh-Q-Fest' only because I'm too impatient. Shameless plug #2: This story also isn't part of 'Howling At The Moon: The Remus J. Lupin Fuh-Q-Fest' for exactly the same reason. Now everyone go visit my bio to get the address to go sign up for the fests. NOW! DO IT! NO WAITING! 

Disclaimer: Don't own the characters or the song (which is kind of a cheeseball choice, I know...What can I say? I'm a hopeless romantic... Also, forgive me if the lyrics are a bit off - I got them from a punk cover, not the original, so I'm not sure how accurate they are). I do own the story itself, though…well, as much as anyone can own a fanfic, anyway.

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Sirius Black was in quite a fix. Remus's sixteenth birthday was that day and he hadn't gotten a chance to get the werewolf a present. Actually, that wasn't entirely true - originally, he'd bought fifty chocolate frogs which he'd planned to leave on the other boy's bed (or possibly just on the other boy) while he slept, but that damned Snape had interfered with his plans and had set all the chocolate frogs loose in the Gryffindor common room the night before (no one was entirely sure how the greasy git had gotten in in the first place, nor did they have any actual proof that it was him, but he was a convenient scapegoat). So now Sirius was screwed. There wasn't enough time for an emergency run to Hogsmeade before the party that he and the other Marauders had planned for that night in the Gryffindor common room, and besides that, he was completely strapped for cash.

"Oh, what am I supposed to do?" Sirius groaned.

"Do about what?" James Potter asked as he entered the dorm. Sirius looked up at his best friend, his eyes shining hopefully. Surely James would be able to help him!

"Wow, that's quite a predicament," James agreed once Sirius was finished explaining his dilemma. "Can't imagine what you can do at this point, mate…"

Sirius let out a sob of frustration. "Thanks a lot, Prongs! You were my last hope!"

James shrugged. "Why don't you go talk to Evans? She's supposed to be good at that kind of thing."

Sirius stared at James. "Okay, number one, how would you know that? Evans can't stand you." James winced. "And number two, Evans can't stand me either, so why the hell would she help me?"

James shrugged again. "Well, she seems to like Moony well enough. Maybe she'll help you if you tell her it's for him." Sirius looked at James, unconvinced. "Well, it can't hurt to try!"

Sirius sighed. "I s'pose not. Thanks, Prongsy," he said, and quietly shuffled out the door in search of Lily Evans.

Ten minutes later he found himself in the library, explaining his situation for the second time in less than a half hour while a pretty girl with auburn hair and stunning green eyes listened boredly.

"Well, Black, that's quite a problem you have there," she said before turning back to her books. Sirius resisted the urge to growl in frustration. 

"Do you have any ideas? Any at all?" Lily gazed at him through a half-lidded stare. Sirius suddenly felt the need to bang his head into the desk repeatedly, but decided it really wouldn't get him anywhere. "Look, it's for Remus, not me, okay? I just want to do something nice for him to try to make him happy for once. I mean, I'm sure you've noticed how quiet and down he's been lately? You're sort of friends with him, aren't you?"

"Minor acquaintances, actually," Lily clarified, then sighed. "Fine. But I'm only helping you for Lupin's sake, clear?"

"Crystal," Sirius agreed.

"How good are you with words?" Lily asked, closing her book and folding her hands on the desktop. Sirius blinked, then blushed suddenly. 

"Not very," he admitted quietly. Lily sighed again.

"O-kay. Can you sing?"

"Sing?" Sirius looked genuinely perplexed. Lily rolled her eyes.

"Yes, Black. Sing. You know, putting words to music?" she clarified sarcastically. Sirius scowled.

"No need to get snarky. Yeah, I can sing well enough," Sirius replied, and Lily smiled.

"Well, there you have it. You can sing him a song." She suddenly blushed. "It'll be so romantic!"

Sirius turned a bright shade of red. "Hey, now, just...just hold on one second! What's this 'romantic' nonsense?"

"Oh, please," Lily said. "Everyone and their grandmother knows that you've got it bad for him." She opened her book and began flipping through the pages to find where she had left off. If possible, Sirius turned redder.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded. Lily sighed deeply.

"Oh, come on, Black. The way you're always looking at him, how you always blush whenever he so much as brushes against you.... You four are probably the only ones who haven't noticed the attraction between you and Lupin, but the fifth year Ravenclaw girls have had a bet on when you'll both come to your senses and get together for almost a year now." She turned back to her reading, leaving Sirius absolutely dumbstruck.

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Sirius sat on his bed back in Gryffindor Tower. Despite his lack of literary skill, Sirius decided that he was going to write his own song for Remus. With only four hours left before Remus's party, Sirius had most of the (relatively simple) melody figured out, but he only had the first line of lyrics.

"Damn it! Time is running out!"

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With only an hour to go, Sirius was halfway done. Inspiration had struck, and he felt he was really on to something. He was so intent on his project that he didn't hear as the door creaked open, admitting Lily Evans, so he jumped when he felt her hand land on his shoulder.

"How's it...Oh, my GOD! You can't sing this!" she cried out, snatching up the lyrics and holding them at arm's length.

"What? Why not?" he asked indignantly. "Aren't they good enough?"

"'I wanna f*ck you like an animal'?" she quoted, then looked at him, horrified. "You can't be serious!"

"Who else would I be?" he replied automatically before snapping his attention back to the matter at hand. "Well, then, Miss Smarty, what do you propose? Because I sure as hell don't have time to write another song!"

"Thank every deity in existence for that," Lily muttered, and Sirius scowled at her. "Look, somehow I doubt that Lupin will be impressed that you want to feel him from the inside, regardless of how badly he might want you. You need to come up with something sweeter...more appropriate..."

"What if I sing Happy Birthday while stripping?" Sirius suggested helpfully. Lily gave him a dirty look.

"What Lupin sees in you, Black, I'll never know," she muttered. Suddenly she had an idea. "Okay, how about this. I'll teach you a nice muggle song to sing him. How does that sound?"

Sirius's eyes shone gratefully. "Ms. Evans, you are a princess. An absolute queen. If James weren't so obsessed with you, I'd propose right now. You are the..."

"Okay, that's enough, Black," Lily stopped him, a faint blush coloring her cheeks. "Save it for Lupin." Pulling out her quill, she took a seat beside Sirius on the edge of his bed. "Okay, now let's go over the lyrics."

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A very nervous Sirius sat in the corner while all of Remus's other friends presented him with their gifts at his party that night. What if Remus didn't like his song? What if he didn't feel the same way? The lyrics did kind of spell everything out for him. What if Remus never spoke to him again? What if... Sirius looked up as some fourth-year girl handed Remus her present and watched as Remus beamed at her. What if he could make Remus smile like that? His heart started thudding hard in his chest when James turned to him.

"Oy, Padfoot! You're up!" he called across the room. Sirius swallowed hard, then put on his best game face. It would be okay, and if anything went wrong, he could just chalk it up to his tendency to ham things up. Yeah, this would be fine. Grinning, he stood and approached Remus, who watched him expectantly.

"Well, my dear Lupin, I'm sure you recall the infamous Chocolate Frog Invasion of last night?" he began, and Remus smiled wryly.

"How could I possibly forget, my dear Black? They were hopping everywhere, including into our dear Potter's trousers, if I recall correctly..." James mock-growled.

"Yeah, well," Sirius's smile turned sheepish, "that was supposed to be my present for you, but it kinda got messed up." Remus raised an eyebrow. "Oh, not letting them loose on the common room," Sirius clarified quickly. "Just the fifty Chocolate Frogs." He cleared his throat. "But since that particular gift attempt was so heinously thwarted, I, with the help of the stunning, beautiful, absolutely gorgeous, amazing, incredible Lily Evans..."

"Stuff it, Black," Lily called out good-naturedly, and the majority of the group surrounding Remus laughed.

"As I was saying," Sirius continued, grinning broadly, "the lovely Miss Evans assisted me in coming up with something...not quite as good as fifty Chocolate Frogs, but still deeply heart-felt, and so I hope you like it anyway." He cleared his throat again, then, still grinning (and blushing ever-so-slightly), began to sing as music magically cued up behind him.

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Wise men say 

Only fools rush in

But I can't help

Falling in love with you

Remus blushed a bright shade of red, and many of the other guests, save James and Peter, grinned knowingly. A few of the Ravenclaw girls grudgingly forked over their galleons to their friends. Lily seemed extra-pleased as a rather large pile of gold coins accumulated in her hand. Obviously. the betting hadn't been limited to Ravenclaw house.

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Shall I stay

Would it be a sin

If I can't help

Falling in love with you

Well, Remus didn't seem too upset thus far.

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Like the river flows

Gently to the sea

Darling, so it goes

Some things were meant to be

Take my hand

Take my whole life too

For I can't help

Falling in love with you

'He's so cute when he blushes,' Sirius thought to himself with a grin.

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Like the river flows

Gently to the sea

Darling, so it goes

Some things were meant to be

Sirius decided that he just couldn't help it; he had to ham it up. Taking a seat beside Remus, he took both of the other boy's hands in his and held them up to his heart.

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Take my hand

Take my whole life too

For I can't help

Falling in love with you

He raised Remus's hands to his lips and kissed his knuckles before continuing softly.

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For I can't help

Falling in love with you

Everyone else in the room stood completely still and silent, awaiting Remus's reaction. Finally, blinking back tears, Remus pulled Sirius tightly to him.

"Oh, Padfoot," he breathed, "that was beautiful. Thank you."

Sirius beamed and pulled Remus back a bit to look him in the eyes. "Happy birthday, Moony," he whispered, before kissing him soundly. The room promptly erupted in cheers and cat calls, but neither boy really noticed even as James began howling like a wolf in heat; they were too caught up with each other.

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~Owari~


End file.
